Forgive and Don't Forget

I used to cringe when I'd hear the word Forgiveness. It used to seem so impossible. So many times I'd think once you forgive those who've wronged you, the war is over and nothing else would ever go wrong much less you'd be wronged again. The first seventeen years of my life were truly a living Hell. A life of constant doubt, fear, physical pain, emotional pain, and depression. All due to people who have let me down over and over and over and over again...talk about some anger issues, oh boy did I have some. That's when I began playing drums. What better way to get out frustration than to hit stuff all the time and make music in the midst of it all? Needless to say music has always been how I can cope with the chaos and confusion in my life. God Delivered me from much hopelessness, heartache, anger, sadness, hurting, and the list could seriously go on for days and days. Never pray "God may Your will be done, whatever the cost." if you don't truly mean it with EVERYTHING that you are. It wasn't until I gave God my Everything that He became my Everything. My God answers prayers. He has called me to do some of the craziest things imagined and continues. I was called to forgive those who've wronged me. Not just those who've wronged me, but those who wished I were dead and spit in my face. As crazy and ridiculous as this thought process was to me in the beginning....I came across many verses that assured me I was not alone. Never have been and Never will be. Above all Jesus knows exactly how I feel. He not only has seen the hurt I've experienced in my life, but He has walked through it and endured far worse than I could ever fathom. If that were'nt crazy enough, He FORGAVE Everyone who denied,abused,disowned,misused, mocked,accused, and hurt Him. WOW. Talk about something to humble you when you think your situation is the worst ever. Not to belittle what I've grown up in, believe me...it freakin sucked, but when compared to what God promises to do with a life of pain...this trial is to be faced with joy. That doesn't mean I always have a smile on my face 24/7 or never shed a tear late in the night...it means that above all God is Always a God of Provision and Protection. The least I could do is forgive others as He has forgiven me.

I've found that forgiveness is just the first step of the healing process. I first had to truly forgive people who've hurt me four years ago. Just that moment within itself is something I'll never forget. From then on God has healed my heart tremendously and has called me to serve in ministry as well. Oh the things He will do with a fully surrendered heart/life. I've been to other parts of the world and now addicted to serving Him anywhere and everywhere. I've been blessed to lead multiple disciple now weekends, lead worship in many different bands and churches, lead family groups at Cross Camp, and the list goes on. He has called me to Love. I never thought four years ago that He'd call me not just to love...but to "Love until it hurts,then Love More." This used to always keep me up at night thinking and telling God how I felt. "Love more? But wait I did my part....I loved by forgiving. That was a huge deal and took everything within me to do...I don't understand. What more could I possibly do?" The people I wanted nothing to do with anymore, the ones whom I wanted to move as far away from as possible, and those who've caused so many tears and stress....God has called me to continue to minister to them. I'm learning more and more how it's a daily process and something I can never do on my own. Only God in and through me can help me do what used to seem impossible.
I would love to say that when you forgive someone that everything will immediately be sunshine a roses...but at least for me, not so much. There will however be some clouds removed and more beams of light shining through the darkness. The roses will begin to bud and show their potential. In order for those buds to grow, they need rain to water them. I personally hate rain. I'm short and have naturally curly hair, therefore rain and I have never been bff's. As much as I strongly dislike the rain, I know it's needed for my growth. My life has been flooded by rain but because of it God has molded me into something that can be used by Him in some crazy ways. I've come a Long....way these past four years, but there are still some scars being healed and wounds being sewn up. I still have to forgive. Bitterness is always a temptation. Trust issues want to get the best of me. God is Bigger than All of that and more. So as I continue to Love until it hurts, then Love More...there's a supernatural type of peace and comfort from God. He's there by my side when I'm up till 2am burdened and praying for those I've forgiven and that they will hopefully one day know Christ. He wipes away my tears. He gives me the strength to face all of my fears. He continues to bless me with such Godly friends, mother figures, and an amazing boyfriend. He Loves me and knows what's best for me. Though I don't fully understand why, He stills chooses to use me here and now in a very rough and tough situation. It's hard, but not impossible. He brings Beauty from Pain. So let it all out. Let Go. Give it to Him. Let Him carry that burden. Continue to allow Him to break your heart for what breaks His. 

As crazy as my life seems at times...I wouldn't have it any other way. I must forgive and NEVER forget what God has done, is doing, and will do.

A PURE HEART

         Over this past month God has been rocking my face off. Conviction has taken place in areas of my life  where I never thought much was wrong. Not only has conviction taken over, but also much movement. I always say that I can't sit still in a worship service, and that is 100% True. Anyone who knows me well enough can't deny the fact that God has done such a huge work in my life to which I can't help but dance,sing,smile,laugh, and praise Him for all that He has done,is doing, and will do in my life! I will admit though, a lot of times I'm more expressive and out there in worship depending on my surroundings. Who I'm worshiping next to, what songs we are singing, who's leading worship, and so on. God has really placed on my heart this past week to worship Him for Who He is. I'm realizing more and more how God calls me to worship Him anywhere and everywhere, anytime and all the time. No matter if it's in a traditional church setting, in my car driving, playing drums and practicing as a percussion major, being a leader at an event, teaching kids music, performing in front of a large crowd, speaking about what He has done in my life, or in a church with no roof in the middle of Africa.....my worship should never be contained and held back.

         As I was growing up in my youth group a good friend of mine always talked of her "secret place." A sweet escape where you can go to while worshiping Jesus. A place where you can be fully focused on Him in all His wonder and majesty. A place full of beauty and an intimate time with God. A place of no distractions. When I  thought of what that would be like for me, these images popped up in my mind instantly

Being barefoot on Lake Malawi in Africa watching the sun rise early in the morning...

             having the crystal clear water wash my feet clean while being on the other side of the world

Looking at Huge Buddhist temples and being discouraged while looking to my left and seeing God's creations in all it's Beauty

My view while on the tip top of a mountain in SouthEast Asia

Is it just me, or does that frozen water look like a tree? This is what I saw from the plane on the way to Asia. Breathtaking is an understatement.

one of the greatest times of worship I've ever experienced with God. My iPod, some David Crowder, my little pink highlighted bible, and His creation made known to me. Best Father daughter date EVER!

             At least for me, when I look through these pictures and remember such amazing times of my life...I think to myself  "How could I not worship God with Everything that I am!?" But I honestly can't tell you how many times my heart wants to grow apathetic and forget just how Great and Amazing my God truly is.......also the gazillion times I forget that worship is a daily thing. It's not just when you're standing in the church pews or attending an event where there is music played, it's also through your every day actions which are a reflection of your heart.

I'm so thankful for these breath taking experiences in my life. When I'm in a service where the music isn't what you'd typically see on my iPhone or the style is not my favorite, I have to stop, close my eyes, and allow myself to go to a place where it's just me and God. Where He comforts me and shows me His love for me.  Where I can express how I feel towards my Savior, Provider, Protector, Healer, Redeemer, Friend, and  the best Dad I could ever ask for. Oh my....How He sure does Love me unconditionally and selflessly! A lot of times I have different images in my head while closing my eyes to worship. Sometimes I see flashbacks of some major struggles in my life. I vividly see the scene played out where I'd be outside in the late hours of the night crying out and pleading to be rescued. Along with that I typically see several verses written throughout the book of Psalms which were highlighted during those times in the desert. Other times I'll picture one of the images I just shared. I remember it as if it were just yesterday and can feel God's embrace and become extremely humbled by His Sovereignty. Many times I go sit on the dock of the bayou on my college's campus, read my bible, listen to music, and talk with Jesus. This has always been a beautiful view and something you never get out of your head. Then there is one of my all time favorite places. When I can't be there physically to worship God, I can always use my photographic memory to feel as if I'm there. I see an empty stage,practice room, or even band room. These places have always been a safe Haven for me. A place where I feel invisible and confident as if nothing bad could ever harm me. I feel such a freedom and energy. These are the places where many dreams have been formed and continue to build up. These are these places I have already seen many dreams and goals come true. There's something about an empty stage that has always intrigued me. In the stillness and quiet, God's ways are made known to me and I hear Him speak through the silence. It's hard to even describe how awesome this feeling is that I get but needless to say it is one of the things that make me zealous for the things of the Lord! I love to spend time with Him in these places even if it's when I'm practicing or playing music simply for the joy it brings me.

  I'm writing all of this to say that certain songs will get you more pumped up than others. Certain styles and genres may intrigue your ears more than most. Regardless of how you feel you can worship Him, don't hold back. Find a secret place. Run to Him and allow Him to hold you with a sweet embrace. Let Him wash your feet and cleanse you.  Have Him wrap you in His Arms and not let go. Let Him consume you from the inside out. Cry out to Him and ask for a pure heart daily. He's waiting for you to draw near to Him, 

He will draw near to you.

There is a God who loves me
Who wraps me in His arms
And that is the place where I'm changed
And that's where I belong

Take me to that place, Lord
To that secret place where
I can be with You
You can make me like You
Wrap me in Your arms

The Small Things

Lately I've been working on growing closer to God and bringing glory to Him in the small things. It's easy a lot of times to acknowledge the presence of God when you're at church but what about when you're back at home? What about when you're in line at the grocery store or caught in a traffic jam when late for school or work? What about when you're sitting at the doctors office for several hours waiting long past the scheduled appointment time? What about when you're having to stand behind the old lady at Walmart who takes her sweet little time checking out two buggies full of merchandise in the "20 items or less" lane? Gets a little hard then doesn't it? Then come to think of it...aren't those the situations Jesus saw as huge opportunities to show love to the unloved and compassion to the Ebeneezer Scrooges? Just think about John 4 and the Woman at the Well. I mean yeah He probably wasn't having to wait in line behind the annoying soccer mom who has a bunch of ankle bitters running around the store or had to deal with telemarketers calling His phone all the time...but never the less He still had to deal with rude people and everyday temptations. People spit on Him, beat Him, mocked Him, and in the end crucified Him. He still ministered to the scoffers and the thieves. He invited them to the table and provided for them. He cleaned the unclean and chose to hang out with tax collectors.

"So if there's any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my job by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his or her own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form as a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
                                                                                                                                   -Philippians 2:1-11

Jesus did all of that and calls me to be more like Him each day. WOW. This is both a huge privilege and responsibility! Why not bring glory to God in the small things? Many times it's the small things that become Big. Have you ever had one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days? We're talking where everything goes wrong...you woke up late and didn't have time to fix your monstrosity of a hairdo. You can't decide on what to wear and in a hurry so you accidentally wear a pair of shoes and sweater that totally break the infamous brown and black rule. You throw your books in your backpack and rush to beat the morning traffic. You show up late to class and find out that there's a pop quiz that started five minutes ago. You forgot to fix coffee and become drowsy and loose focus. You need a writing utensil then realize you have nothing on you but must take the test. Then out of no where a random classmate that you are barely acquainted with hands you their pencil....life saver huh? When you think of the things that changes lives; sitting by the nerd with a comb over, suspenders, braces, and fancy calculator at the lunch table isn't usually what first comes to mind does it? Much less asking the waitress working late at night in a restaurant how she is doing and really meaning it....Or telling a seven year old that she is loved. Or telling a student they make you proud. But it's those "small" things that God uses to change the world for His Kingdom. I was the nerd at the lunch table. I was the girl that was always working job after job and having the worst days imagined. I was the insecure band kid/drummer that was told she made her instructor proud. I was the seven year old that was told I was loved and not only that but by God Himself. Though I did not begin living my life for Christ till I was around age 11; being told that I was loved changed my life Forever.  Heck it's one of the reasons I'm still alive right now. Telling a kid that they are loved when the last thing they've ever seen or heard is love growing up is like being told you just won one million dollars...but even better. Suddenly waiting in line behind old Gertrude with her 50 items that takes for ever to checkout doesn't  seem like such a big deal. Then those everyday mishaps can turn into every day blessings. God has really been showing me a lot on how I can use my time and social skills for His glory and not my own. It's so easy to think you're too busy for ministry and even for God at times... but you aren't. It's the small things that are huge to God, the every day things you do. Those situations and circumstances were placed there in your life for a reason. See the door God has opened and walk through it without the blindfold on. He wants to use you to edify the Kingdom. He wants to use you at work, school, home, walmart, target, chevron, and even the doctor's offices. You never know what awesome things Jesus has up His sleeves for you to do.
 So "Go hard or go home."

Seeking Jesus, walking humbly, and learning daily. 

Shake It Out

I've been listening to one of my favorite artists Florence + The Machine lately and have fallen in love with the song "Shake it Out" off of the Ceremonials album.

Here's some of the lyrics:

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way

I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play 

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself 

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind 

I can see no way,I can see no way 

I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is passed, it's such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground 

So I like to keep my issues strong

But it's always darkest before the dawn 

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out 

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out 

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back 

So shake him off 

I am done with my graceless heart 

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart 

Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn 

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out 

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out 

 And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back 

So shake him off 

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

 And given half the chance would I take any of it back

 It's a final mess but it's left me so undone

 It's always darkest before the dawn

I feel like this song is my anthem for the year of 2011. This year has been both Beautiful and Ugly. It has been a year of many adventures and many life lessons. During January of 2011 I was in South East Asia eating noodles everyday, speaking in a different foreign language, sharing the gospel, serving alongside some of the strongest men and women of God I've ever met, playing drums with street kids, falling in love with street kids, flying on a lot of planes, riding a lot of buses, and drinking a lot of hot tea. I also led worship and small groups for youth disciple nows and girls retreats almost every weekend during spring semester. I was playing drums in the ULM BCM Haven band which I loved oh so much. Ministry in my church Hope Alive thrived, grew, and increased my passion for both God and people. In April I decided to pursue one of my dreams and drove 24 hours to New York where I would wait in line several hours along with 600 others, be signed for a time slot, and audition for STOMP on Broadway. This was a dream come true itself. Though I didn't make it I still choose to Dream Big and live up to the saying "Go Hard or Go Home." This summer I was a leader for Cross Camp again and saw how God allowed me to go through such trials when growing up in order to minister to youth of all ages here and now. I got to spend time in Nashville, TN with my best friend Alyssa and began to fall in love with Music City and this pretty amazing music school named Belmont University. I was fortunate to be a bridesmaid in my friend MaeLee's wedding in Alabama on December 17,2011 exactly a year after spending some memorable days in serving in Asia together. I have learned to push myself even harder as a musician and student this year. I don't think I've ever practiced so long and hard until this past semester and it's finally starting to show which is incredibly

awesome. I began to become burnt out on ministry. I found myself doing so many different things constantly to which I never felt I was all there. I was so half way committed to everything that I think I was missing the real reason of why I was doing certain events in the first place. When I think of the year of 2011 I think of it being a Burn Out. A burn out on ministry. A burn out on school. A burn out on working. A burn out on socialization. A burn out on music. A burn out on everything pretty much. All my life I've seemed to always be on the go. I love it yet at the same time grow weary. For a while I've found myself neglecting God over all else. I'm still involved with the things of God and love God. But, somewhere along the way I lost sight of writing the word upon my heart and seeking God daily. I long for consistency and focus. I desire to grown more in my faith. I allowed myself to get caught in some sort of spiritual inertia and apathy which isn't cool. It's funny how sin can have such an effect on you. It doesn't matter if it was several years, months, weeks, days, or even minutes ago...Satan still uses your mistakes to taunt you and make you feel trashy and worthless.

"Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments.

All of the ghouls come out to play,every demon wants his pound of flesh.It's always darkest before the dawn."

This year I let the things I was once ashamed of consume me and beat me down. I let the devil convince me that I could not overcome. At the same time Jesus reminded me that I can do all things not on my own but with Him as my strength.

"And I've been a fool and I've been blind. I can never leave the past behind. I'm always dragging that horse around. Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground."

I love God. I love people. I love music. I love life. I love this New Year. A new year of more adventure and more excitement. A year of less constant activity and less burn out. A year of new beginnings and growth in faith. A year of ministering more to others and showing the love of Christ everywhere I Go. A new year to embrace and enjoy...to take what life gives me whether good or bad. A new year to cherish dreams that come true and to learn from the beautiful letdowns. 

Goodbye 2011 and hello 2012.

Christmas Time is Here.

I've never been the sharpest tool in the shed much less one to understand a lot of the things life wants to throw at me. My mind is blown when trying to comprehend how Jesus came to this earth as an infant and was white as snow, He was perfect in every way. Not only that but He was placed in a manger, not some fancy decked out crib from Baby Depot. This is the same Jesus that had no place to lay His head (Luke 9:58). This is the same Jesus that was beaten and bruised and mistreated throughout His entire life. The same Jesus that would hang out with the lowest of the low and showed compassion to everyone He encountered. The same Jesus that died for me. It's difficult for me to understand such a crazy concept still to this day. That's because God will never fit in our little box of logic. He is Holy and so much Bigger. One thing I do know is that Jesus is the greatest thing that has ever entered into my life.

It's easy to say you won't get carried away this year during the Christmas season. That you won't buy as many gifts, wake up dreadfully early to get a big sale the day after Thanksgiving, worry if the tree isn't set up the way you like it, or let the idea of gifts consume you. But, do we truly choose not to cling to such things? I can tell you first hand that Christmas is certainly not all about getting gifts and spending lots of money and you fill in the blank_. Though all of that is good, fun, and lovely...if you didn't receive a single gift or have the finances to buy everyone and their mommas a present; would that ruin your day all together? Don't get me wrong that'd suck a whole lot and it's not the first thing that comes to mind when you think of having a "Holly Jolly Christmas," but never the less life will still go on. What if there were no presents under the tree? What if there was no tree at all? No "Holiday greetings and happy meetings"...? It might seem as if the world will come to an end at this point but it won't. I used to think so but time and time again I'm reminded that's not the case.

As I've sat here at my house alone for the majority of this Christmas day, I can't help but think a lot about a lot of things. I randomly decided to google the definition of "family."
Of course, most of the definitions define family as "a group of people who are related by blood."
However, there were a few definitions that said something different such as "a group of people who support each other and love one another." and so on.

"In today’s society most people consider family to be just blood relations but in reality it is the bonds you share with those you care for the most.  Family is a completely necessary part of anyone’s life.  Your family helps you through the tough times and provides the needed support to get through life.  Family cares about what happens to you, are always there for you, and above all, loves you. "

Mmmm....Can I get an Amen?!? This brought so much comfort to my heart. If it were strictly that of blood relations, I don't have much of a family at all the way I look at it. But if it's true that family is far more than that...well I have the largest family there is. 
Then I begin to think of what the phrase "blood related" means to me. 
Through the blood of Christ I belong to a family of believers all across the world. 
Many I've already had the blessing of meeting and many I will meet one day. 
I often say that "Music is within my blood." If so, I know of many who can relate that are considered to be family as well.

I would be foolish to ever say I don't have a family, because I most certainly do. 
What I consider to be family may not be your common definition found in wikipedia, but I care the most about a lot of folks and I come to find that a lot of folks care about me. 
I may not join family during the holidays but I know they are there for me. When I need support I can find it. When I need encouragement and affirmation, it can be a text away. Though certain situations can make me feel unloved, I know deep down I am loved and God is to be glorified rather than circumstances.  Above all it is Christ Who strengthens me. To have a loving Family on top of that, what better gift could you possibly ask for during Christmas time? 

Though things never seem to go as planned and though being alone while everyone else is celebrating can be a bummer...I am thankful for this special day the Lord has made. 
I'm thankful for time to sit still, relax, and REST. True Rest in the Lord is like no other. I'm thankful for time to reflect and take Joy in the God of my salvation. I'm thankful for those who sacrifice their traditional family settings to include a kid who has no place to go. I'm thankful for turkey and some burnt pecan pie. I'm thankful for coffee and a delectable Christmas tree cake. I'm thankful for those serving all across the country right now as I type. I'm thankful for the amazing time spent in Asia this time last year. Oh how I miss it so and wish I were there again at this very moment. I'm thankful for my Mammaw and another year I could spend with her cute lil ole self. I'm thankful for Everything God has chosen to bestow and bless me with. I am thankful for what the word "family" looks like in my life.

It all goes back to Christ in the end. The birth, crucifixion  and resurrection of Jesus will forever be the greatest gift there ever was, is, and will be. Because He came to die for the sins of man, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. Jesus is the reason I'm still alive today and can live life abundantly. It's my responsibility to be reminded of that. Though it may not seem to be "traditional" or provide that "home sweet home" kind of feeling, this day is to be cherished and that is something I am certain of. While I was in Asia, my teammates and I were told that we would never look at Christmas the same way again once we return to the states. I don't think I've ever found a statement to be so true before. I've discovered that I am my happiest when I am able to serve others. After serving in other countries to the fullest, especially during Christmas, it's easy to return home and feel as if I'm never truly serving others unless I'm on a trip far away. But after staying in town this December I see more and more how God calls me to go and serve everywhere. Even in Monroe, LA of all places. So though it's not a hard task to loose site of the true meaning of Christmas, I think I'm finally beginning to see what it's all about. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Here's to Many More.

One Thing Remains

 
There are so many things I struggle with finding clarity over. Then I discover how my constant worries are but dust when compared to what the word tells me. The things of this world will NOT last forever. Neither will circumstances whether good or bad. One thing remains and that's the Lord.

He offers a beautiful word called GRACE. Grace in which I do not have to perform work after work just to have the hope of receiving eternal life in heaven. God has forgiven my sins. He constantly forgives me for the ways I fall short. Through Jesus Christ, there is a way to be one with God again. I, a human, can never change fully on my own strength. I am a sinner to the core, rotten since birth. I was born a sinner, I once was enslaved to sin, and because of that sin I was destined for a place called Hell. "For the punishment for sin is Death." So after crying out for forgiveness and admitting I do not have it all together...  I decided then and there to Follow Christ, to take up my cross and deny myself. I decided to live my life fully devoted to Him. This is how I know that I know that I know I will one day see my God face to face and rejoice with other brothers and sisters in a heavenly dwelling. Oh what a Glorious day that shall be! For I have the "Lamb over Me."

Without Christ, I am nothing. Christ + nothing= EVERYTHING. If it wasn't for Christ I would not be alive today, for that I am certain. I am also certain that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life and no one else. No statue, great emperor, earthly king, ritual, practice, president, famous football player, celebrity, warrior, magician, god, or idol is above Christ. Only through Christ can you receive salvation. I am certain that Jesus came to die for me. Though it still blows my mind as to why, I know He did. He didn't just die so I could have life, but He died for me to Live life. A life that is dedicated to the One who created it. A life that glorifies and edifies the Kingdom. A life that reflects Christ.
I know for certain that there is great power in the gospel. I know that the same God that healed the sick, made the lame walk, and the blind see is the same God we pray to today. He is more than capable of doing the same acts if not above and beyond. It's just a matter of Faith and Trust in Him.

I know that a life in Christ gives me hope, strength, energy, zeal, love, passion, and so sooo much Joy.
I know that God wants to use me despite how I feel. He plans to use the life of someone who didn't care for life. God makes Beauty from the ashes. He is a Father to the Fatherless. He is LOVE.

Suddenly the uncertainties of this world grow strangely dim...
There is no longer a huge concern on how much my future income will be, what my career will entitle, or even where I will live one day. It is so easy to cling to the past. It is even easier to cling to the future. What I struggle with is the here and now. Serving Him in the small things is a challenge. Being content with where I am at such a time as this will be a process. To be confident in what God has for me to do in my community will take some molding of the clay. Being able to see what serving looks like in local organizations, on campus, and through the church will call for vision. I find it sad that sometimes there is so much focus on what is to come that the present is ignored away and missed. What is current is being written on a dry erase board only to be erased, leaving the heart dry and lifeless. I don't want to miss it. I want to be all there. I want to be all here. I want to see Jesus use me. I want to see Jesus use others. I want to see others see who Jesus is and follow Him. Who says that is only for the future? Who says that can't happen now?

                                                      Hungering and Thirsting for more.

"All Consuming Fire, You're Our Hearts Desire. Living flame of Love, Come baptize us! Come baptize us!"

Kleptos

There are a lot of things that easily capture my heart and make it melt. Kids are definitely one of those things. I never pictured myself to fall in love with kids as much as I have. I never expected to become burdened beyond words for the orphaned, abandoned, abused, and oppressed. I just want to go back in time and prevent so much pain, suffering, and heartache from happening to such precious children. I can't help but become restless...

So many kids without homes. So many kids begging. So many kids with only one outfit. So many kids with no shoes. So many kids without parents. So many kids without anyone who has cared for them. So many kids alone. So many kids afraid. So many kids left for dead. So many kids aborted.
So many kids who've survived abortion but are now disabled for life. So many kids...so many faces...so many who need Love. So many who don't even know what Love really is. Though in the flesh I just wish I could simply punch all those who've hurt them in the face...with the attitude of Christ I know I must love the abusers as well. That's where things get hard. It comes to a point that I no longer even think nor care about what has happened to me. How I've been hurt, mistreated, and abused...but what others must endure. The funny thing is,  I've specifically prayed for God to break my heart for the afflicted and oppressed. I can never say God does not answer prayers. I can't find it in me to just sit back and watch such injustice to go on. Though I have no clue how to make a difference I'm trusting God knows. I just want to be found obedient to what He is calling me to do and how He is calling me to play a role within the work of the Kingdom.

Meet my sweet little friend. I met her exactly two weeks ago at a street kids home. She is 12...in a five year old's body basically. Her smile is contagious. Her laugh is to die for. Her eyes draw you near and her hands can paint a beautiful masterpiece.

She was most likely born disabled and considered worthless. She was told she could not be cared for. and was thrown out on the streets. Found by some amazing people who took her to the street home,  she can come and go as she pleases. Words can't describe the kind of joy I found in seeing her smile, making her laugh, and playing games with her. My heart exploded when she started hitting my drum and we began playing back and forth. We just enjoyed life together. It was as simple and blissful as ever. We immediately became besties =)

She was handicapped and had trouble walking so she'd stand watching all of us playing with the other kids and running around. The littlest things would cause her to become so happy and joyful. She was the oldest in the group and practically took care of all the others. One minute she'd be playing then as soon as one of the boys ran up and messed with her she'd set them straight, haha! It was very entertaining even though it was all in Chinese and I could barely understand a word. =)

 

 One of the most precious little girls I've ever met. It may seem crazy for me to have fallen in love with a kid I only spent a day with...but that little klepto stole about my heart that day. If I could have adopted her that day and was not still in college I would have in a heartbeat. A day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about this sweet girl and prayed that God would take care of her, bless her, and show her more of what it's like to be Loved unconditionally. I see so much potential in her. Her heart is unique. Her actions are rare to find for her age. She will always hold a special place in my heart.

Then there's MenYaun. (Pretty sure that's spelled totally wrong but it's whatever.)

He was certainly a little adventurer. He decided to run away soon after meeting him. My heart broke for him. I pray God will have His hand on MenYaun's life. What joy it'd bring me to picture these kids growing up and knowing the Lord personally.

Then there's the girl who I can't seem to forget. God has placed this kid on my heart like crazy. I don't know her name. I don't know what she's been through. I don't know the ways she's been hurt. But it was so clear she has had pain from being mistreated.

There are no words...the few I have can't do how I feel any justice. I don't think I've ever felt such a burden for people/children...until I saw this girl. There is where loving the orphaned became difficult. She screamed and ran away anytime you'd come near her. It was said that she possessed. May the Most High God, Shang Di, reveal Himself to these children. My heart's desire is that they will know God and experience the Father's love. I'm currently praying for clarity in what I'm to do. My heart has been stolen by a lot of little kleptos for the past few weeks.
I am forever changed and humbled by this adventure.

Being half way around the pushing through cold weather, eating with chopsticks, playing games and songs, loving on kids who've been ignored, and sharing life/Jesus with others is what made this year the Best Christmas and New Years EVER. God is so Good.

"Stoop down and reached those who are oppressed.Share their burdens and complete Christ's law."
                                                                                                                                     -Galatians 6:2