Never Alone

Thanksgiving has always been a hard day for me, not to mention holidays in general. Some of the most traumatic and painful memories fall on this day. It's also a day that can become very lonely, causing a deep depressive state. Praise God these things are beginning to grow strangely dim the more the light of His presence shines upon me. This is not my first Thanksgiving alone by all means. However, this is the first year that I had nowhere to go for the holidays and my Mammaw is no longer living. When I was her primary care giver I'd always make a point to decorate her house from top to bottom, doing anything and everything to make it a great experience for her. Being able to care for her made these dreadful days more bearable. This time around it's been different. It's hard to shake off the nightmares and flashbacks when the demons come out to play. It's not always fun sitting in a room all day all alone when everyone is busy spending time with family and practically everything is closed. It's easy to feel unworthy and undeserving of a family when the hopes of having one fade away time and time again. It's tempting to listen to the voices of condemnation. It's a choice to control your thoughts or let your thoughts control you. Today has not been the most glamorous of days yet at the same time it hasn't been the darkest either. Being able to serve and love on others is such a beautiful gift. The Lord constantly uses it to redirect my focus and worship Him for all that He is.

A shift has occurred in my life lately more so than ever before. Starting in August I began to really seek not just the things of the Lord, but God Himself. He radically changed everything I ever knew about life and Him. He took off my blindfold of logic and showed me how to have true faith and trust in the unpredictable. He stripped away everything I used to find identity in until it was literally just me and Him. In a lot of ways it's still just me and Him, especially on days like today. What makes today different? The daily renewing of the mind, time in the word, practice of thankfulness, the trust throughout the process, the honoring of the season, the sweet victory of the Cross, real rest, and the intimacy of the Father just to name a few ;) 

Today I could go on and on about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for Jesus Who sweeps me off my feet, a place to live, community, family through the blood of Christ, a vehicle, the chance to finish school, several jobs, the opportunity to travel once again, cats, tap shoes, boxing gloves, journals, feather pins, music, hands and feet, and all the brilliantly funny videos/memes that exist in the world today. I'm thankful for you for taking the time to read this. I'm thankful for Native Americans. I'm thankful for all people of all nations, every tribe and every tongue. I'm even thankful for the past, no longer in a way that glorifies any situation or circumstance but my Father alone. The Lord truly works everything together for good-Romans 8:28. He's put this girl to much use that has endured terrible abuse. He's turned my mourning into joy. He's brought beauty from pain. He's provided His strength in my weakness. He took a girl who was starving and made her hopeful. He showed a girl who thought she was unworthy that she was a daughter all along. He wipes away every tear and is the well that never runs dry. He brings laughter out of sorrow. He can erase and replace every remembrance of terror with the perfect love that casts out every fear. 

One of the main things I've learned about the character of God during this season is that He makes ALL things new. Lately I've returned to a lot of old things I used to be involved with: Music School, job in the Visual and Performing Arts, and even being called back to Southeast Asia. He has made each of these areas new. I'm thankful that He makes the everyday mundane fresh and exciting. He is constant and never changes yet He can change things. He has changed things. He is changing things. He will change things. So as I sit here by myself, I'm not by myself. All day as I've been alone, I haven't been alone. He is with me. He lives inside of me. He foreknew me. He's goes before me. He never leaves me. He's always for me. He's my Daddy and I'm His little girl. I'm thankful that He is my Father, Mother, sister, and brother all in one and so much more! The world tells me I'm an orphan, my Daddy tells me I'm His. The enemy tells me I'm unwanted, the Lord calls me His precious jewel. 

To all of you who find this day difficult as well, hold on. He holds the universe and most certainly can hold you. Don't be afraid, let His love wash away all the anxiety. Talk to Him and He will listen. Spend time with Him and He will reveal to you His heart for the one, you're the one. It's okay to not be okay, He wants to mend what's broken and just asks that you stay. You don't have to hide from Him, you can hide in Him. He's a hiding place. a safe Haven where you can be vulnerable in the best of ways. Don't give up, give into what He has for you for it is good. He is the light in the darkness of night. The enemy is a liar, not the Prince of Peace. He can make your sleep sweet and restore your identity. He has the power to make this day new. He has the wisdom to know what's best for you. Remember, there may be pain in the night but Joy comes in the morning-Psalm 30:5. Will you trust Him? He's worth it. 


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,    and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,    and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." -Proverbs 3:24

"He alone is my rock and salvation, a fortress where I will not be 

shaken." -Psalm 62:2 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." -1 John 4:18 

Healing is In His Hands

"A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch His robe, I will be healed.” Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition. Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from Him, so He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched My robe?” His disciples said to Him, “Look at this crowd pressing around You. How can You ask, ‘Who touched Me?" But He kept on looking around to see who had done it. Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of Him and told him what she had done. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” -Mark 5:25-34 

This nameless woman had suffered twelve long years of chronic menstrual bleeding. The fact that she had been bleeding for this long suggests that she was most likely infertile as well-- not to mention she was probably severely anemic and weak, especially considering she was living in a society with an iron-poor diet. She was bound to constantly feel tired and lethargic.

To sum it up—her health was not the best.  

According to Leviticus 15:19-28, this woman was also considered to be unclean during the entire time that she bled. In the Mosaic law, women who were unclean weren't allowed to touch anyone for they would then be considered unclean as well. This kept her from participating in any religious services or activities. 

Even if she could bear children, her husband (if she had one), would not come near her due to her status.  In this woman's culture, motherhood was viewed as the supreme female virtue. A woman's security in old age came from her family. For this woman to be childless was a constant glimpse into what would look like a very lonely future.

This woman was DESPERATE and DETERMINED to find Jesus. Not to find another doctor and receive yet another empty promise of a potential cure. Instead, her strongest desire was to find the ultimate Healer. After all, the physicians of her time were unable to relieve her suffering. She "had endured much under many doctors. She had spent everything she had and was not helped at all. On the contrary, she became worse."

Her physical body was unhealthy. Her faith, however, remained firm in the midst of all of her troubles. The odds were not in her favor...instead, all odds were against her. For her to become well again seemed impossible. Yet, she chose to believe that she could be healed. That within itself is HUGE. She heard about a man who could "heal many who had various diseases"(Mark 1: 34), and she didn't doubt in such a power.

So she traveled 30 miles to Capernaum. She quietly came up behind Jesus in the crowd and simply touched His cloak. For she said "If I could just touch His robes, I'll be made well!" By law, this would have made Jesus unclean, but by grace, a miracle unfolded. Immediately her bleeding stopped. Without a single word being spoken to her, she was made whole simply by believing that He could heal her and choosing to act on that belief. Her faith was rewarded and it did not go unnoticed.

Jesus felt power leave Him and asked who had touched Him. The disciples gave a typical answer basically saying that it could've been anyone in the large crowd that surrounded Him. Jesus was determined to find who it was. At this moment, this woman had a choice. She could have stayed silent and or ran away in her fear. Instead she chose to be BOLD and COURAGEOUS and kneeled down before Jesus, despite her fear and trembling. She told Jesus the whole truth and admitted to being the one who touched Him. She, the unclean woman, told Jesus, the spotless lamb, that she touched His cloak. Oh the thoughts that must have raced through her mind during that moment. The same faith that gave her the strength to reach out and touch Jesus was the same faith that empowered her to be the one who stepped forward in the crowd. She risked public humiliation and punishment to confess the faith she had in Jesus. Wow. 

Then, Jesus said one single word that swept away twelve years’ worth of pain and isolation. "Daughter..."

In no other gospel account did  Jesus use this term of endearment and respect, and He chose to say this to the woman who was seen as unclean. He called the untouchable "Daughter". This name meant she belonged to a family. This name meant that she has been restored to her community. This name meant she was loved. This showed the Father's heart through the Son. 

"Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in PEACE and be FREE from your affliction."

She saw first hand the truth of Mark 6:56! Not only was she healed physically, but emotionally too. Isn't that what every woman needs? Healing not just physically, but emotionally? Jesus knows our hearts and just how to comfort them. "There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole" my dear friends, and this woman was able to proclaim just that.

Twelve years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, the same incurable autoimmune disease that studies show this woman in the Bible most likely had. This diagnosis, along with a genetic vitamin D deficiency tends to make life rather difficult. Being told at a young age that you're most likely infertile and may not have kids one day is heartbreaking. So is being told if you ever were able to become pregnant, you are most likely to have a miscarriage or die when giving birth. As I've become older, my condition has become worse. There are some days that I can't get out of bed. It's hard to function normally when you feel so weak that you could pass out at any moment. My immune system often gets attacked, causing me to get sick very easily and often. This kind of sick is harder to fight and get over than the typical sinus infection or flu—it’s on-going and never fully goes away. There are several medications and surgeries that could be performed to help with the disease, but there is no ultimate fix for the problem. It has become so bad lately that doctors have tried to convince me to have a hysterectomy before I'm 30 due to being at such a high risk for ovarian cancer. I never really put a lot of thought into having kids until I was told it might be impossible, but thankfully God has called me to adopt one day no matter what. 

It's easy to want to question God when health issues arise and diseases are diagnosed. It's easy to become numb to everything and deny that anything is wrong. It's easy to allow the awkwardness to cause embarrassment that keeps you from sharing boulders that need to be shared within a safe community. Jesus didn't walk on earth alone, so why should we? He had intimacy with the Father and close relationships with the disciples. Jesus is always the ultimate game changer. He heals wounded hearts and restores health to the unhealthy. He comforts a woman's emotions by making her feel important and noticed. He reminds you that you are a part of a family that will never disown you. Mmmm...isn't Jesus good? So as I continue the on-going battle of illness, I'm comforted in knowing that God is still bigger than all the what-if's and potential outcomes. I choose to expect the unexpected and leave it in God's hands. I continue to spend time in the war room and secret place. I pray that I can have the same faith as this nameless woman. I want to have such a faith that Jesus will look to me and say "Daughter, your Faith has made you well. Go in Peace and be FREE from you affliction."

This is my same challenge to each of you. To have the same faith as our nameless sister who bled for 12 years. Be strong. Be Courageous. Be Bold. Be Determined. Be Faithful. Be HANDS & FEET. Remain fervent in prayer. Rest in the fact that you are a daughter and He is well-pleased. 

There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.

I See a Generation Rising

During the last week of June and the beginning of July I served as both a bible study teacher and a family group leader for two weeks of Cross Camp. This week was extremely encouraging and uplifting to say the least. So many kids nailed down their faith after having doubts and uncertainty for so long. Due to the bravery of kids that were leaders in their youth groups examining their hearts before God,  a spark was ignited within other students which was amazing to see such a ripple affect occur. During this particular week God chose to use me to encourage and minister to both students and leaders which was very humbling. Leading 8th grade girls Bible study and Family group 12 was incredible in which some of those kids taught me more than I taught them during week one. I had the huge privilege to see students encouraging and ministering to other students at camp which was a beautiful thing to observe. They genuinely cared for each other and worked hard at getting along with everyone in family groups and so on. I saw students come together and rejoice greatly clapping and cheering each time a new salvation, call to ministry, and commitment was announced. This gives me HOPE in this generation. There are youth out there that Love the Lord and have a burning desire to please and serve Him. I was blessed to see that first hand during week one of camp. It was so good for my heart and soul. 

Not only do I feel that God has placed within me such a heavy burden for the youth of today, I also feel like He is choosing to speak through me in order to be a voice for them as well. Though there were many things that I saw from today's youth that were very encouraging...there were also things that discouraged my heart. Many of these kids felt all Alone. They felt as if there was no one they could confide in in their areas...even in their own youth groups and churches. Many kids, like me, had parents who did not go to church. They came with broken hearts that needed mended, wounds that needed healing, and baggage that needed to be dealt with. God did some Amazing things. He changed lives and brought Joy to these youth in ways that only He could. The thing that burdened me however was what are these kids going back to? Many of them truly desired to follow God with everything that they are. It breaks my heart knowing that many of them had to go back home to a place where no one was there to listen to them, disciple them, and show them love.

The youth of today need encouragement as much as, if not more than, generations of the past. They need to be fed spiritually and poured into so that they may pour out. I feel strongly that God has placed it on my heart to ask each of you to get on your knees for this generation. They need it. I've seen so much potential in today's youth to which it completely blows my mind when imagining what God can do in and through them. It breaks my heart to see many of them go home and not receive the Love, encouragement, and affirmation that they so desperately need. LOVE on these youth. PRAY for them. UPLIFT them and let them know that not only should they let anyone look down on them for their youth, but they should also be confident in the things God has called them to. I see God raising up strong warriors to build up and edify His kingdom. Because of this I feel such a strong urge, more than ever, to show love to these kids. It's exciting to see such an incredible young generation rising that is bold, brilliant, passionate, hungry, thirsty, and on fire for God! Please join with me in praying for them and so much more. 

"I see a generation Rising up to take their place with self-less faith. Self-less faith....I see a near revival stirring as we pray and seek. We're on our knees. We're on our knees...Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to Love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause."

Free Flying

Have you ever closed your eyes and seen things that are indescribable? Have you seen something so vivid and clear as if you were literally in a whole other place? I certainly have. Heck, all my life I've been able to close my eyes and go to anywhere I'd like when allowing my mind to do so. My Creator, God, has created me to be a very creative individual. While some view A.D.D. to be a curse, I a lot of times see it as a blessing. The way He reveals things to me is hard to put into words sometimes. Luckily, He has not only created me to be a musician but also a writer. Though it may be hard for me to express how I feel vocally, on paper I could write for days.

You see, there is both good and bad that comes with being a very visual person. My photographic memory  is very strong which allows me to memorize music very quickly as well as other subjects. Of course with strengths there are also weaknesses. I feel that because I have this particular strength, it has become the very thing that Satan has used against me for years. Satan chooses to use my past to haunt me both in my sleep and when I awake. Due to being so visual, flashbacks attack my mind and try to take over. It's rare that a day goes by that I don't have to fight hard against this war with the Devil as he attempts to play with my mind.

Not too long ago I watched the movie Batman Begins and recalled one of the main points I've gotten from the movie. Batman's fear crippled him. It was his weakness. Evil used it against him to try and bring him down. It wasn't until he chose to become fear that he was able to conquer this great height. Suddenly, his immense fear of bats became his biggest strength. This fueled him to move beyond the past and terrors that would wake him in the night.

Satan used my fear of being hurt to cripple me for far too long. During the daytime I could find ways to distract myself from some of his tactics but each night, as soon as I would close my eyes, the nightmares would appear and the flashbacks would entice my fear.

During the last weekend of May I attended the LIFT conference for worship leaders held at Passion City Church. So many great things happened to which I am still trying to grasp my mind around. One of the main things was my FREEDOM. Yes, freedom (read this as if you're watching Braveheart). During night one of worship I began to weep. I was in the middle of trying to worship God and just couldn't go to the places I normally could go to when I closed my eyes. It broke my heart. Usually when I'd close my eyes I could see this:

 

LAKE MALAWI

 

The sunrise on Lake Malawi in Africa

 

Looking out the window on the way to China

 

The Cliffs of Moher in Ireland

 But this particular night I couldn't see anything while trying to worship. Not only could I not see anything, I couldn't sing the words and truly mean what I was saying. I knew if I continued to sing it'd just be making noise. I felt as if then and there God was moving me to just sit down and allow Him to do a work within me. So, I sat down and oh did He work. I began to close my eyes and just listen to the music that was surrounding me in the room. Immediately a flash of images raced through my mind. Now, all of the things I am fixing to share will sound very crazy most likely....that's because it is crazy. It's like nothing I've ever experienced while worshiping. I began to visualize the first picture above of lake Malawi. It's like I was there all over again hearing the waves crashing and feeling the wind blowing strong. All seemed peaceful. Then it began to storm. The sea was raging and the fear became crippling. As I sat there and saw these images run through my mind I began wishing for it to be dry. I then saw the clouds roll away, the sea disappear, the sun come out, and everything beginning to die around me. Nothing was green, the dust was overwhelming, and everything looked so lifeless and tired. Then I found myself wishing to see water again. I then found my self in the midst of the ocean drowning. The fear returned and everything seemed so hopeless. Then out of the blue was a victorious right hand reaching into the dark and deep ocean with a light around it. I saw myself grabbing the hand and being pulled up. Now, above water, I gasped for air. The very next thing I saw as my eyes were closed during this song that was being played was the shore line with a single chair placed on the sand. All was peaceful and well. I then saw myself sitting down in the chair and another chair appeared by my side. 

I know... I know....Weird right? Crazy. I was as thrown off by it as all who reads this. Like I said, I never had an experience like this before during worship. It was so vivid and clear as if I was truly there. I honestly feel God placed these images in my head for a reason. As I stayed up that night trying to make sense of everything God had placed on my heart and mind....things began to click a little. Five years ago I was delivered from a very destructive upbringing. Since then it has been a rollercoaster of life events for me. From learning what it's like to be bold and share my story with others to dealing with death, heartache, burn out, wandering, and let downs....it's been a heck of a journey with God. I've experienced times where all was well and wonderful. However, I'd take it for granted and forget to praise God in the midst of the good times. Then the storms would come into my life again. I've grown used to the storms these days. They've always seemed to come and go for me. It's almost easier for me to Praise God in the midst of those storms. Often times I would beg God for the storms to die. Then I'd get in over my head. I had to learn the hard way to let my "yes be a yes" and my "no be a no".... I did too much in order to make myself feel that I was worthy enough of being used by God. Then came the big burn out. I spent almost a full year chasing shadows that wouldn't satisfy. I was living in a desert land where all was dry and my heart was apathetic. I then ran back to God and things seemed good again. However, I forgot what it was like to be in the water and trust Him. I became overwhelmed with church and the things of God that I began to drown in it. I'd serve Him and do everything I felt I should do without ever going to God Himself to pour into me so that I could pour out. Then....oh boy...then....God reached His hand to me and pulled me up. He rescued me yet again and brought me to the shore. SO, this is where I am now in my life. I am at the shore. Sitting in that chair that has been empty for too long. And I am Not alone. There is a chair beside me and though I may not always see it, I feel it. I feel the power of the Holy Spirit within me. It is stirring up my passion and compassion for others and eternal things. I'm so relieved to be at this place in my life again. A place where I know that I am where I need to be and I am doing what I am called to do. Ultimately I am called to make much of Christ...Not much of myself or others....but much of Christ.

This all occurred during night one of worship at the LIFT conference. By the last night of this conference I began worshiping all out when I realized the song I was worshiping to was the same song I sat down for on night one. I closed my eyes and every single image raced through my mind once again. Then came the overwhelming feeling of FREEDOM. I've never felt so free to worship my King. With no holding back and no distractions, I danced for joy lifting praise to my Father in Heaven! Louie Giglio then said that God had laid something on his heart that he felt led to share. He said "I feel that some of you have been burnt out and holding back for far too long. I know you, because I am you. I've been there and done that. Many of you are like a dove trapped in a cage just waiting to be free. It's time that you stop letting your life situations, the people who have hurt you, and your fears cripple you from breaking free! Let God open that cage door. It's time you start soaring for God again. Lift out yours hands and fly!" Uh......say what!?!? At first I was like "Wow, that is so ironic...." then I was like"Dang....my God is so good and truly works all things together."

Needless to say that night I broke free and soared. I made the decision to stop letting that fear cripple me any longer. Though this in itself scares the mess out of me most times. I let God open that door to the cage I stayed trapped in for too long. Now I've become fear. Fear to Satan that is. I've caused him to fear that I could be a world changer for God and be unstoppable when chasing after Jesus with everything that I am. Is Satan still fighting back now that he see's me more of a threat? Oh yes, more than ever. However, in the midst of this huge battle...God is still doing what He does best. He is still shinning provision and protection over my life. So now instead of allowing my fears to cripple me, I'm allowing it to fuel my passion and push me even further into the waters.

With all this being share, this is what God has laid on my heart to tell to each of you who have chosen to read this blog entry:

"Stop living trapped in the cage. Let God open the door. You won't regret it. Be the dove that has been released and fly like never before! He's equipped you with armor. He is by your side. BE FREE and always remember to run into His arms."

"Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated...Because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down. He won't leave you." ~Deuteronomy 31:6

My Best Friend

Words can't describe just how much Love I had for my Mammaw and how deep her love was for me. She took care of me and was there through the most difficult and challenging times of my life and in return, I was fortunate to do the same as she aged over the years . To lose the only blood family I feel that I have is a pain that few must experience. Christmas and the holidays have always been hard times and now, they will be even harder.  I surely miss my best friend that always made me laugh and is the reason that I am the woman I am today. If you were to ask any of Kathleen Moore's nine grandchildren or ten great grandchildren was their Mammaw Moore the best in the world, the answer would always be yes. Her heart was so big and her 88 years of life was nothing but genuinely loving and caring for anyone and everyone she'd come in contact with. Out of the many roles I've been called to play in life, being her granddaughter, primary care giver, and close friend is by far something I've held of the utmost importance.  It is such a blessing to have grown up under the love and care of my best friend for 21 years. I really miss that sweet lil ole woman dearly, but beyond humbled and thankful for the amazing relationship we had and above all the relationship Kathleen Moore had with the Lord.

                                                                       GROWING UP

Still living in what used to be my Mammaw's house is very hard, yet rewarding. All of the sweet memories I have are very vivid and strong when here at home. My Mammaw was the biggest sweet tooth you'd ever meet. She always had a bountiful stash of sweets and treats here. This woman practically raised me and taught me everything I know. I stayed at her house more than my own all of my life. Here in the Lakeshore neighborhood, Kathleen Moore was a very popular lady. I remember spending time each day putting together goody bags with my Mammaw to pass out to everyone down the block. We'd hop in her blue oldsmobile car and go house to house visiting all the other home bound senior citizens in the area. My Mammaw knew Everyone. I learned so much history from hearing story after story from my Mammaw and her friends. This house was known for being the best house to come to during Halloween. All the trick or treaters would come by the dozen to see what awesome candy Kathleen Moore had to offer each year. She always loved kids. She would always take in neighborhood kids in as her own. 

When school was out during the holidays or summer break, my Mammaw and I would have a blast. Each morning I'd wake up she would fix me a grilled cheese sandwich , with the crust cut off, and sometimes bacon. Then we'd be lazy and stay in our pajamas till around lunch time watching re-runs of the Golden Girls and any other old classic show you could imagine. It always cracked me up when she'd make us watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire because she secretly had a crush on Regis Philbin, haha. Around eleven o'clock or so we'd finally change and clean up to seize the day of activities! She refused to leave the house without her make-up on, though all she ever put on was lipstick and face lotion. She was always so pretty and beautiful even as she aged. I've looked at so many pictures of her from her youth and her skin was always so soft with a clear complexion. After we'd get dressed we'd pick a place to eat, if we didn't end up eating at home. We'd either eat at the original Ray's PeGe, Dainken Trail, or McDonald's. While out and about we'd stop by the bank and she always said she had a few "extra" dollars left over that she didn't know what to do with so she'd take me to the dollar store to pick out something fun. I usually found a new coloring book that she would help choose. My Mammaw not only let me buy coloring books and color at her house, she'd color with me and enjoyed it equally as much if not more. She literally saved Every single coloring book page her grandchildren colored while at her house. She always had us put our name and the date on it and told us we did a great job. She also saved a lot of her own coloring book pages with her signature on it, haha. After eating lunch back at the house we'd occasionally go to the beauty shop for a hair appointment. Of course, she was popular their too. My Mammaw was always a talker, she loved to socialize with others and catch up. She also was the best listener. She was always there if you needed someone to talk to just for the sake of talking. When we'd return home we'd watch her soap operas like Bold and the Beautiful or As the World Turns. Then I'd help her clean house and grocery shop. Every time I'd spend the night we would lay down in her bed and put the t.v. on to help us fall asleep. We'd talk for the next hour or so about anything and everything. We shared many giggles and sweet moments in the midst of our deliriousness. She'd tell me her dreams that she had for herself and for me.   

I've always struggled in academics. Having both ADD and dyslexia makes school work and reading very challenging. I've always loved to write, however. She always told me how that made us alike, our love for writing things down and expressing how we felt. When I started to really get into the whole writing thing, she began to let me use her old type writer at the house and told me to write however much I liked and to always let her read. I'd spend hours on that type writer and would write several poems and short stories to give to her to read. She always told me to never stop chasing my dreams. She Loved music as well. Though she never played any instruments, she constantly listened to music. I grew up always hearing Big Band music on the record player at her house. Any genre you could think of, she listened to. She'd bob her head and tap her foot when she heard a melody and would hum it everywhere she went. She is probably the only little old woman I knew that actually enjoyed hearing a loud drum set being played. Though she was never able to make it to any of my concerts since I began playing, she always encouraged me and cheered me on. Sometimes I'd give her a shaker or tambourine so she could play along with me while I played drums. We always had fun jam sessions and she never seized to amaze me with her taste in music and the support she constantly bestowed. 

Every weekday during the year I'd be dropped off at her house early in the morning before school. She'd fix me breakfast and watch Saved By the Bell with me. She'd make sure I had all my books and would encourage me to do my very best. I'd walk down the street to Lakeshore Elementary and walk back once school let out. Eveyday I'd walk back to see her waiting in the carport for me. Her face would light up when she saw me walking towards her and she'd tell me how excited she was that I was back home. Little did she know that I was bullied throughout elementary school and was acting out due to the things that surrounded me growing up. The way she'd look me in the eyes and tell me how she knew the good things I was capable of...man, it was life changing to say the least.  We'd sit on the carport a little while watching the squirrels and eating a snack that she always had ready for me. She'd make sure I did my homework then we'd watch some television. She would study the guide channel to see when my favorite nickelodeon or cartoon network shows would come on so she could have it set on the t.v. when I'd get home from school.  I'd be at her house till 5 or 6pm if not later. I'd stay there till my Dad would get off work and then we'd drive all the way home, which I never wanted to do. Here at her house, I found a safe Haven. I felt as if when here, nothing could harm me or make me sad. This is the only house I've felt comfortable in and feel that I could call home. Later on when I got to Junior High and High school, I would still come there every morning and afternoon. She'd let me practice my music and wanted to know all about the things I was interested in. She began to buy me journals that I could write in wherever I went. She told me that I can do whatever I put my mind to as long as I continue to work hard and have a good attitude. 




                                         The Big Move

 My Junior year of high school, my Mammaw got in a terrible wreck. She was hit nearly head on by a large truck when she was on her way to visit her sister. The car was totaled and I was convinced she didn't survive. I remember praying so very hard for her to be healed. I prayed for more time that I could spend with her. That year was a very rough year for me in many ways. I'm so thankful that she survived the wreck and that I was able to spend another five years with her. Her head was hit pretty bad and she was never quite the same after her wreck. She's always been a tad forgetful as I grew up. After the wreck, her dementia increased and her mind began to loose a lot of memory. Words can't describe how much it hurt to look into her eyes when she realized she couldn't remember basic things. She truly hated forgetting and always wished she could recall things. From then on I made it a point to always try my best to help her. 

I decided to move in with her at her house towards the end of my senior year of high school. I felt as if she needed someone to help take care of her. She could no longer drive nor remember how to cook. All the special memories I had of growing up with her was then to be acted out again in return. I would then study the guide channel and record her favorite shows as they came on. I'd prepare our meals and take her to the beauty shop and let her stay as long as she wanted in order to see and talk to everyone. I'd take her to Cracker Barrel or Grandy's after big doctor visits to cheer her up. Sometimes I'd bring her to the mall to see where I worked and I could fix her ice cream. I'd bring her treats and sweets for her to enjoy throughout the day. We'd still color in coloring books. I'd write things for her to read. On occasions I'd still crawl into her bed, watch t.v. and talk with her till we both fell asleep. Nothing brought me greater joy than to see her face light up when I'd come home. She would stay up at night till I'd come home just so she could tell me good night and that she loved me. During my freshman year of college I became more busy which made the balancing of both school and being a primary caregiver difficult. It definitely stretched me in many ways all of which I know God was able to use me. The summer before I moved out I traveled to Malawi, Africa. I let her help me pack and prepare to leave. When I returned, she wanted to see every picture and hear every story from my trip. The fall of that same year I had to make the tough decision to move. I chose to live on campus the next two years in order to focus more on school and work towards my music degree. It was getting to where she would need 24 hour care that I was not able to provide while being a full time college student. She told me she wanted me to get that degree so I could then go out and do great things. I moved out but continued to visit weekly if not daily. When I went to spend Christmas in South East Asia that following December, she wanted to know everything about the trip. She helped me pack all the scarves, gloves, hats, and socks that I would pass out to all the children I'd come in contact with while overseas. She loved seeing the pictures I took and hearing the stories I had to tell. She said she always knew I'd be a traveler and would get to see the world one day. 

                                                              
                                                         The End of the Journey

February of 2012 my Mammaw was put into the nursing home. I continued to visit her as much as possible. Though it wasn't the same as her house, we were able to share some sweet times together there watching t.v. shows, coloring, and eating treats I'd bring. I'd decorate her room as much as I could just to see her face light up. You can't help but be happy when you see that woman smile. Though this past year was very rough tough each visit, I don't regret a single minute of it. We knew each other so well, we talked the same, ate the same, and even sometimes looked same. We could finish each other's sentences and know exactly what the other was thinking. We had the same type of humor and always picked on each other. She was always a big flirt and had the men at the tip of her fingertips. Guys at the nursing home would flirt with her and she'd always play hard to get. She was always very protective of me and gave guys that wanted to take me out on dates a hard time. She was very defensive towards every guy except one. The first time my Mammaw met Westley Wallace, she immediately fell in love with him, who could blame her. She began smiling real big and and flirting with him which was hilarious. I always told her that she couldn't steal my man though. She loved it when Westley an I both came to visit her so much that it was all she talked about when we were away. She bragged about me like no other. No one could ever make me feel so confident and brave like she could. She always had words of encouragement and affirmation. She has saved every card I have given her along with ones she has received from others. She also saved every newspaper clipping of my performances and awards. I've also saved everything she has given me which I'm so thankful for now. Living here in this house has been interesting. I moved back in this past May with it now being my very own house. Having your very own house at the age of 21 is a pretty big deal in my eyes. Aside from some decorations and a few modifications, this house is still the same, all the beautiful furniture is still here and being preserved. I will always have a love for this house and neighborhood that means so much to me. Keeping this house up for the time being is the least I could do in the honor of my Mammaw. She raised her three sons in this house. She loved this house and living here and so do I. Loosing her was very hard, yet at the same time I have been preparing for this for a long time. God has gradually helped me over these past few years to let go in a sense when it was needed. I know she is no longer hurting physically. Also her mind is no longer forgetful which brings me great joy to realize. It's weird not getting to take care of her anymore. It's weird driving by the nursing home and not being able to stop by to visit. It's weird being bored out of my mind during the break and not going to the store to get goodies and decorations for her room. I miss the little things. I am beyond thankful for the years of memories I got to share with her. I've never cared for someone so much in my life. In James 1:27 God calls us to take care of the orphans and the widows. I can't think of any better way I could have done this than to have taken care of my Mammaw. There's something about washing an old lady's feet and painting her nails that's very humbling. It was so cool to show love to orphans in other countries in similar ways that I was able to show love to my Mammaw. I certainly plan to continue traveling and serving in places overseas. For a while now I've felt God calling me to possibly go into music therapy as a future career. After the passing of my Mammaw I feel that calling to be even stronger. Sometime after I graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Music Education, I plan to become a certified music therapist. Then I can take care of more old people and orphans and show love to many others who need it all through the art of music. 

Though I miss my Mammaw so very much, I couldn't think of any better time for her passing. God truly works everything out for the good of those who love Him, Romans 8:28. She is no longer hurting and unresponsive in a hospital bed. She is no longer forgetting who she is. She is no longer suffering but rejoicing in heaven where there are probably more sweets than she could ever imagine. This woman was so so so sooooo precious and sweet. Her smile was beautiful and her features were gorgeous. Though there has been some mourning following her death, there is even more of a celebration for the amazing life she lived out loving both God and people. 

"I Love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck."