Monday, August 6, 2012

Forgive and Don't Forget

I used to cringe when I'd hear the word Forgiveness. It used to seem so impossible. So many times I'd think once you forgive those who've wronged you, the war is over and nothing else would ever go wrong much less you'd be wronged again. The first seventeen years of my life were truly a living Hell. A life of constant doubt, fear, physical pain, emotional pain, and depression. All due to people who have let me down over and over and over and over about some anger issues, oh boy did I have some. That's when I began playing drums. What better way to get out frustration than to hit stuff all the time and make music in the midst of it all? Needless to say music has always been how I can cope with the chaos and confusion in my life. God Delivered me from much hopelessness, heartache, anger, sadness, hurting, and the list could seriously go on for days and days. Never pray "God may Your will be done, whatever the cost." if you don't truly mean it with EVERYTHING that you are. It wasn't until I gave God my Everything that He became my Everything. My God answers prayers. He has called me to do some of the craziest things imagined and continues. I was called to forgive those who've wronged me. Not just those who've wronged me, but those who wished I were dead and spit in my face. As crazy and ridiculous as this thought process was to me in the beginning....I came across many verses that assured me I was not alone. Never have been and Never will be. Above all Jesus knows exactly how I feel. He not only has seen the hurt I've experienced in my life, but He has walked through it and endured far worse than I could ever fathom. If that were'nt crazy enough, He FORGAVE Everyone who denied,abused,disowned,misused, mocked,accused, and hurt Him. WOW. Talk about something to humble you when you think your situation is the worst ever. Not to belittle what I've grown up in, believe freakin sucked, but when compared to what God promises to do with a life of pain...this trial is to be faced with joy. That doesn't mean I always have a smile on my face 24/7 or never shed a tear late in the means that above all God is Always a God of Provision and Protection. The least I could do is forgive others as He has forgiven me.

I've found that forgiveness is just the first step of the healing process. I first had to truly forgive people who've hurt me four years ago. Just that moment within itself is something I'll never forget. From then on God has healed my heart tremendously and has called me to serve in ministry as well. Oh the things He will do with a fully surrendered heart/life. I've been to other parts of the world and now addicted to serving Him anywhere and everywhere. I've been blessed to lead multiple disciple now weekends, lead worship in many different bands and churches, lead family groups at Cross Camp, and the list goes on. He has called me to Love. I never thought four years ago that He'd call me not just to love...but to "Love until it hurts,then Love More." This used to always keep me up at night thinking and telling God how I felt. "Love more? But wait I did my part....I loved by forgiving. That was a huge deal and took everything within me to do...I don't understand. What more could I possibly do?" The people I wanted nothing to do with anymore, the ones whom I wanted to move as far away from as possible, and those who've caused so many tears and stress....God has called me to continue to minister to them. I'm learning more and more how it's a daily process and something I can never do on my own. Only God in and through me can help me do what used to seem impossible.
I would love to say that when you forgive someone that everything will immediately be sunshine a roses...but at least for me, not so much. There will however be some clouds removed and more beams of light shining through the darkness. The roses will begin to bud and show their potential. In order for those buds to grow, they need rain to water them. I personally hate rain. I'm short and have naturally curly hair, therefore rain and I have never been bff's. As much as I strongly dislike the rain, I know it's needed for my growth. My life has been flooded by rain but because of it God has molded me into something that can be used by Him in some crazy ways. I've come a Long....way these past four years, but there are still some scars being healed and wounds being sewn up. I still have to forgive. Bitterness is always a temptation. Trust issues want to get the best of me. God is Bigger than All of that and more. So as I continue to Love until it hurts, then Love More...there's a supernatural type of peace and comfort from God. He's there by my side when I'm up till 2am burdened and praying for those I've forgiven and that they will hopefully one day know Christ. He wipes away my tears. He gives me the strength to face all of my fears. He continues to bless me with such Godly friends, mother figures, and an amazing boyfriend. He Loves me and knows what's best for me. Though I don't fully understand why, He stills chooses to use me here and now in a very rough and tough situation. It's hard, but not impossible. He brings Beauty from Pain. So let it all out. Let Go. Give it to Him. Let Him carry that burden. Continue to allow Him to break your heart for what breaks His. 

As crazy as my life seems at times...I wouldn't have it any other way. I must forgive and NEVER forget what God has done, is doing, and will do.

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