You see, there is both good and bad that comes with being a very visual person. My photographic memory is very strong which allows me to memorize music very quickly as well as other subjects. Of course with strengths there are also weaknesses. I feel that because I have this particular strength, it has become the very thing that Satan has used against me for years. Satan chooses to use my past to haunt me both in my sleep and when I awake. Due to being so visual, flashbacks attack my mind and try to take over. It's rare that a day goes by that I don't have to fight hard against this war with the Devil as he attempts to play with my mind.
Not too long ago I watched the movie Batman Begins and recalled one of the main points I've gotten from the movie. Batman's fear crippled him. It was his weakness. Evil used it against him to try and bring him down. It wasn't until he chose to become fear that he was able to conquer this great height. Suddenly, his immense fear of bats became his biggest strength. This fueled him to move beyond the past and terrors that would wake him in the night.
Satan used my fear of being hurt to cripple me for far too long. During the daytime I could find ways to distract myself from some of his tactics but each night, as soon as I would close my eyes, the nightmares would appear and the flashbacks would entice my fear.
During the last weekend of May I attended the LIFT conference for worship leaders held at Passion City Church. So many great things happened to which I am still trying to grasp my mind around. One of the main things was my FREEDOM. Yes, freedom (read this as if you're watching Braveheart). During night one of worship I began to weep. I was in the middle of trying to worship God and just couldn't go to the places I normally could go to when I closed my eyes. It broke my heart. Usually when I'd close my eyes I could see this:
The sunrise on Lake Malawi in Africa
Looking out the window on the way to China
The Cliffs of Moher in Ireland
But this particular night I couldn't see anything while trying to worship. Not only could I not see anything, I couldn't sing the words and truly mean what I was saying. I knew if I continued to sing it'd just be making noise. I felt as if then and there God was moving me to just sit down and allow Him to do a work within me. So, I sat down and oh did He work. I began to close my eyes and just listen to the music that was surrounding me in the room. Immediately a flash of images raced through my mind. Now, all of the things I am fixing to share will sound very crazy most likely....that's because it is crazy. It's like nothing I've ever experienced while worshiping. I began to visualize the first picture above of lake Malawi. It's like I was there all over again hearing the waves crashing and feeling the wind blowing strong. All seemed peaceful. Then it began to storm. The sea was raging and the fear became crippling. As I sat there and saw these images run through my mind I began wishing for it to be dry. I then saw the clouds roll away, the sea disappear, the sun come out, and everything beginning to die around me. Nothing was green, the dust was overwhelming, and everything looked so lifeless and tired. Then I found myself wishing to see water again. I then found my self in the midst of the ocean drowning. The fear returned and everything seemed so hopeless. Then out of the blue was a victorious right hand reaching into the dark and deep ocean with a light around it. I saw myself grabbing the hand and being pulled up. Now, above water, I gasped for air. The very next thing I saw as my eyes were closed during this song that was being played was the shore line with a single chair placed on the sand. All was peaceful and well. I then saw myself sitting down in the chair and another chair appeared by my side.
This all occurred during night one of worship at the LIFT conference. By the last night of this conference I began worshiping all out when I realized the song I was worshiping to was the same song I sat down for on night one. I closed my eyes and every single image raced through my mind once again. Then came the overwhelming feeling of FREEDOM. I've never felt so free to worship my King. With no holding back and no distractions, I danced for joy lifting praise to my Father in Heaven! Louie Giglio then said that God had laid something on his heart that he felt led to share. He said "I feel that some of you have been burnt out and holding back for far too long. I know you, because I am you. I've been there and done that. Many of you are like a dove trapped in a cage just waiting to be free. It's time that you stop letting your life situations, the people who have hurt you, and your fears cripple you from breaking free! Let God open that cage door. It's time you start soaring for God again. Lift out yours hands and fly!" Uh......say what!?!? At first I was like "Wow, that is so ironic...." then I was like"Dang....my God is so good and truly works all things together."
Needless to say that night I broke free and soared. I made the decision to stop letting that fear cripple me any longer. Though this in itself scares the mess out of me most times. I let God open that door to the cage I stayed trapped in for too long. Now I've become fear. Fear to Satan that is. I've caused him to fear that I could be a world changer for God and be unstoppable when chasing after Jesus with everything that I am. Is Satan still fighting back now that he see's me more of a threat? Oh yes, more than ever. However, in the midst of this huge battle...God is still doing what He does best. He is still shinning provision and protection over my life. So now instead of allowing my fears to cripple me, I'm allowing it to fuel my passion and push me even further into the waters.
With all this being share, this is what God has laid on my heart to tell to each of you who have chosen to read this blog entry:
"Stop living trapped in the cage. Let God open the door. You won't regret it. Be the dove that has been released and fly like never before! He's equipped you with armor. He is by your side. BE FREE and always remember to run into His arms."
"Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated...Because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down. He won't leave you." ~Deuteronomy 31:6